CONTENTS PAGE JOHN HENRY AT THE THEATR . E . . . g JOHN HENRY IN A STREECTA R . . . . 25 JOHN HENRY ON BUTTING-IN . . , . . 37 JOHN HENRY IN LITERATU . R E . . . . 53 JOHN HENRYP LAYS P OOL . . . . . . 65 JOHN HEXRY O N WOULD-B A E CTORS . . 75 JOHN HENRY P LAY P S R OGRESS E I U V C E H . E 87 JOHN HENRY AT THE THEATRE JOHN HENRY JOHN HENRY AT THE THEATRE. WAS down on the card to lead a lady friend of mine to a New York theatre where you can roll around in an orchestra chair at fifty cents a throw. When a guy can buy a couple of cosy-corners in a dead swell theatre for fifty cents per coze, hes a mark to blow four plunks to squeeze into one of those joints where they feed you on prob em plays and fricassed pasts. I figured it out that way, and stood pat. I0 JOHN HENRY That evening finds me in the parlor as usual. You know the parlor I mean. When a guy reaches that condition where he gives himself the careful glance and says, Gee I got to get shaved this evening you can bet theres on y one parlor in the world for him. Im sitting on the sofa with one mitt lying carelessly on the family album and the other bunched around a 1.70 cane, when my lady friend floats into the arena. Theres a short-arm . clinch, a break-away, and were back in our corners. Oh, John Henry says my lady friend, giving her real hair a couple of taps and glancing out in the dining room to see if mother was rubbering. I f I tell you, boys, its aces when your lady friend does that after a short clinch. Theres nothing tb it. When a girl stamps her foot and talks with a tobasco lisp and says, How dare you kiss me, sir You are impertinent, sir its a 30 to I shot that Gussie Gladtop, the ribbon clerk, who calls every Tuesday evening, first gave her an excuse for writing that libretto. Shes just dying to have you bite her again, but she handles her language wrong, and the four-flush call down makes you back-pedal so hard that you grab for your hat, and you find yourself saying day-day long be fore Papa drops in with his usual bundle of benzine, and an A-flat hiccough on the side. - 12 JOHN HENRY For me the glorious creature who simply says, Oh, John Henry and pats her temples to see if her Seven Sutherland Sisters happens to be mussed. Anyway, after the bell rings I says to my lady friend, If youll tease a trolley with me, well be on our way to-morrow night to the theatre Oh, how lovely says my lady friend. I do so love to go to the theatre. Where shall we go-Oh I know Lets go and see Sara Bernhardt I,. m just dying to see her Up and away to the mines Samh Bernhardt at five plunks a chair and me scratching gravel to get my laundry back from foreign lands of a Saturday night Im just dying to see Saraf